He's Come Undone by Theresa WeirDisclaimer: This review first appeared on my GR profile
My Rating: 1/5
Oh, my God. So fast.
It had happened so fast.
I'd fallen for him.
Like all those other girls.
With that fascinating quote, I welcome you to the 25% mark ofHe's Come Undone by Theresa Weir.
Excuse me while I do the following:
Stare in horror
And piss myself laughing some more
As someone who writes sporadically, I can assure you that writing something off the top of your head, without it making any sense, and coming across as trying TOO hard is normal.
What isn't normal is for that off-the-top-of-your-head mess to be published.
And He's Come Undone is a huge mess.
There is the semblance of an interesting plot:
Penniless and behind on rent, college student and once famous child actress Ellie Barlow takes on the role of a lifetime when she's hired by a group of young women to break the heart of the campus player who cruelly dumped them.
And when I say interesting, it's because it sounded unusual and, well, cool.
Was it? The opposite, in fact.
I nodded, made a big production of taking a sip of coffee, then replaced my cup on the saucer. "So what's the job? An ad? Something for school?"
All three girls leaned forward. All three girls looked over their shoulder, back at me, then whispered: "We want you to break someone's heart."
Ellie Barlow is poor, a discarded child actress and in need of money, fast. When she responds to an ad on Craigslist, the last thing she expected was to be hired to break a boy's heart -- a manwhore's, at that.
You see, Ellie is a speshul snowflake and a Mary Sue. She's not pretty, but all the men want her; she's not funny, but everyone laughs at her jokes and there is no way that hot, fit, drop-dead gorgeous Julian would fall in love with her.
Julian, on the other hand, is also a speshul snowflake, but x2.
He has a DEEP DARK UNSPEAKABLE PAST which, of course, we find out about in the first 30% of the book.
And oh, he sleeps with girls, uses them for sex, and he thinks it's okay because they made the first move, therefore he is not guilty of being a dirty, STD spreading rat.
Really, people? This is what's passing off as hot these days? Manwhoring boys that can't keep it in their pants, but it's okay because they're TROUBLED?
Let me emphasise this: you should never let a man take advantage of you, of using your precious love tunnel because he has a deep dark secret and he's irresistibly hot. Your self-worth is worth more than that, ladies. Don't let him plunder your art gallery just because he's hot. BAG A MAN WITH SUBSTANCE LADIES. COME ON!
His internal monologue is fascinatingly hilarious though:
Next to her was a pink orchid with two green fronds and a stem so long and weak it had to be supported with a wooden stick and some twist ties. I mean, come on. I knew orchids were supposed to represent something soothing, but I would often catch myself looking at that damn flower, wondering if it represented her patients.
No, Julian. Sweetie, WHAT IF SHE REALLY LIKED ORCHIDS?
I hated them.
I never knew what was going to be on the other side. I just never knew.
How deep of you, Julian. Because doors, man.
I get that it's supposed to tie in with his past or whatever, but it was poorly executed. He just came off as weird. As someone I definitely would not be letting anywhere near my lady region.
She watched me in that calulating way of hers. With an expression that said she thought I was full of shit and she was just waiting for me to come to my senses and admit I'd used them. God, maybe I had.
You're an idiot, boy.
Basically, what Ellie needs to do is make him fall in love with her by spreading her pretty legs and doing the dirty.
But because she's a speshul snowflake, Julian falls in love with her.
They even say those words.
And vice versa. So when their BIG BAD NAUGHTY PASTS come to light, shit hits the fan, people cry, there's sloppy sex invo--
Oh man, the sex scenes were HILARIOUS.
Here's a list of words you should avoid using if you're trying to write a raunchy, hot sex scene:
- slapping/sucking sounds
- drove/drive (if you're talking about someone's mouth)
- huge penis
They turn even the most lust fuelled people off. Especially if they're coupled with the following:
We were both sweating like mad, and our skin was beginning to make a slapping sound
Also SPARE US THE FREAKIN' INTERNAL MONOLOGUE.
The bed was moving under us, back and forth, the headboard banging against the wall and I thought I'd never fucked like this, and I'd never given into such a frenzy
One minute I was calm, thinking okay, let's have sex. The next I was out of control
I actually felt hot all over, and especially hot and even swollen between my legs. Like if a female could have an erection, then I was having one
I can't even begin to detail the things that were wrong with this book. The POV switched randomly from Ellie to Julian and once even to Julian's sister, Valerie. The all sounded the same, with no distinct personalities.
Every time a plot twist (that isn't a twist because they're immature, childish idiots who can't comprehend what the word 'responsibility' even means) they would come up with stupid, ridiculous excuses:
Ellie: IT'S ALL MY ROBBING MOTHER'S FAULT
Julian: WHAT DO YOU MEAN FUCKING AROUND ISN'T OKAY? THEY MADE THE MOVE FIRST!
Valerie: I'm obsessed with my brother and any girl that comes into visual distance of my brother will feel #MYSIBLINGWRATHHAYAAAA!
WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT.
They blame their stupid mistakes on things that happened in the past. If you're trying to be a responsible, mature adult, own up to the fact that Ellie, you had sex with Julian because some girls were willing to pay you 5k, Julian, you're a slutty man who loves the vajayjay and together, you're a big, horrible, disgusting mess that I want to bitch slap with a fish.
Last thoughts: Someone said that this is "Weir at her best."
If this is Weir at her past, I don't want to see her at her worse.